In recent days, Sam has been obsessed with babies. Specifically, pregnancy. I think this is because one of his teachers is about to have a baby–she has already gone out on maternity leave, and the kids are getting regular updates on the baby/no baby status.
This leads to lots of talk about my pregnancies, did I remember when Sam was in my belly, and then Jane was in my belly, and isn't that funny that it happened in that order because usually we say 'ladies first' but he came first anyway? And when you were a little girl and my papa was not dead and you knew you were going to have me when you were a mommy and I was just a twinkle in your eye and then Jane was a twinkle in your eye too, and sometimes a doctor cuts a line on a lady's belly and takes the baby out, and wait, didn't baby fairies bring babies to moms and dads like the binkie fairy brings shoes?
I kid you not about that whole string of questions. I heard them all tonight, and it was followed by a very serious,
"mom, I think you should have another baby in your belly."
"uh, no. I think that you and Jane are quite enough for me."
"no, I think you need one more baby!"
"Sam, are you telling me that you really want another brother or sister??"
he turns to look at me and says, "Mooooom, I think I see that a brother is a twinkle in your eye…"
I literally wanted to knock his lights out, if he wasn't so adorable as he was pleading for a sibling.
I really want to tell him that the last few days it has taken all of my strength not to curl up in a ball and hide in my closet when I hear "MOM! SAM IS LICKING MY FACE!" for the umpteenth time, and if I have to watch Barbie in Swan Lake one more time I might throw myself out of a window, and that I think I have prepared enough dinosaur chicken nuggets to feed the population of a small country, that I walk out of the house in slippers and dirty clothes, forgetting to brush my hair because my brain is FRIED half the time, that I still can't believe that at 5 years old he still manages to PEE EVERYWHERE BUT IN THE POTTY, and many nights I am counting the minutes until bedtime so I can get a break….
I also want to tell him that being mom to him and Jane is the most wonderful, terrifying, exhilarating, heart-stopping, tender, important, satisfying thing I will ever do, that those nights when I decide it is a "sleep in mom's bed" night I am so overcome by sweet love for my babies who are slumbering on either side of me that I feel like my heart might just burst, it is so full. That missing out on all of the date nights, naps, trips to the movie theater, vacations to some tropical island is okay, that though my body is forever an irreversibly changed by a combined 18 months of pregnancy, and not being able to do ANYTHING spur-of-the-moment, all of that is washed away as I watch them grow into the amazing people they are becoming.
But Sammy boy, that twinkle that you're seeing in my eye is not a sibling.
It is the glimmer of you and Jane going off to college.